Bigger in Japan...coming soon...bigger in Canada!

This post was started on Monday, January 21/2006

I’ve been away from this blog for a long while. We went to Tokyo for two days and then on to Canada for a month to be with our families over the holidays. I had intended to post while we were away but it seems time and good Internet connections got away from us on a daily basis.

We’ve been back in Obihiro now for a week. As a matter of fact we got home at nearly exactly this time last week. I’ve been up since 2:45 am, I fed Keenan and he’s now snuggled up with his daddy in our bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I’m once again turning to the blog for some wordage therapy.

It’s been a crazy weekend and I’m finding it hard to start so I’m just going to pick a point in time and let things flow as I’ve been told.

Sometime on Friday afternoon my mom had a stroke. She was on her way to the mailroom when she started to feel it. She made her way back home and soon after she was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance. She was conscious for a while and my sister Jose was very fortunate to be able to spend some time with her while she was still able to speak as by the time my brother arrived she was only able to communicate by squeezing her hand. We would soon learn that the stroke she had was a “catastrophic event”. She had developed a pool of blood above her brain stem that was about the size of a fist and because of its location, inoperable. We were also told that her chances of recovery were extremely slim and if she did recover she would be blind and severely mentally and physically challenged. It was decided we would wait 24 hours to see if there was any change. There never was and as a matter of fact the bleeding was getting worse. So slowly the doctors and nurses eased off the life support and our dear mom came took her last breath around 12:30 am on Sunday.

Everything happened so fast but it seems like an eternity since we got the first call from my nephew on Saturday morning (our time). I’m finding it very difficult to keep the timeline together with the 14-hour time difference. We were home just a week ago and now where getting on a plane tomorrow to return. I only know its Monday at 5:50 am because that’s what it says on the computer. I still have to put our clothes in suitcases that I hadn’t even put away in closets yet. I can’t believe we were waving good-bye to my mom from the car on the way to the Ottawa airport and a week later she woke up to her last sunny day.

She called last week. I can’t remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday but we had a great chat. If only I knew it was going to be the last I would have stayed on the phone forever. She could hear Keenan babbling away in the background and I could hear her smiling through her voice. We talked about our trip back to Japan and plans for moving back to Canada this summer. She was so excited that we were coming back and that she was going to get to spend a lot of time with Keenan, her little sweetheart. I was going through Keenan’s summer clothes after that conversation and I imagined Keenan wearing his little t-shirt and shorts and running through my mom’s front door yelling “Oma!” at the top of his lungs with a big smile on his face. It’s something that hasn’t even happened yet but my heart is breaking over the fact that it never will.

I feel truly blessed that we got to spend a month in Canada. Mom and Keenan feel in love with each other the second they met. I’ve never seen Keenan better behaved than with his Oma. She was the first to admit he could do no wrong in her eyes and to back that up it would appear her hearing aid couldn’t detect crying or whinging. My mom died believing Keenan cried only once in the whole month we were home! It was really wonderful to see the two of them interact together. I will absolutely never forget waking up the morning after we arrived. Sean and I were sleeping on the pull out couch in the living room and I opened my eyes to Keenan sitting in the middle of the dining room table with the place mats all over the place and mom looking on with utter adoration! Keenan’s crib was in her bedroom and as it turns out she woke up to find Keenan bright eyed, bushy tailed and quietly playing by his self. My mom had a bad back and not a lot of strength but somehow she managed to bend down, pick up Keenan and get him into the dining room. This would be her favorite place to play with Keenan for the rest of the month as she could keep him at eye level, let him play and have her arms around him all at the same time. Everything about Keenan brought light to my mom’s eyes. Seeing him open his mouth wide like a little bird whenever he ate, watching him kick in the bathtub, sleep in the stroller and of course smile at his Oma. In the last couple of days Keenan figured out how to clap and he would clap, laugh and smile whenever he was happy. This thrilled my mom to no end as she had been singing a Dutch song about clapping your hands to him since we arrived. She herself said that she couldn't have wished for a better Christmas.

The last 8 years have been especially hard on my mom. Uncle Ber, her beloved brother died and 6 weeks later my dad died. Then a couple of years ago Taunte Riet died, as did her best friend Blanche. All this time she’s been asking us and God himself “Why do I have to be the last one?”

I continue from here on Saturday, February 10, 2007…

I just read the first section of this post for the first time since I wrote it. I likely stopped where I did as we had a visitor or had to finish making our travel arrangements or the phone was ringing yet one more time. Everything about those first hours and days after Sean delivered the news to me that my mom had died is a blur and I don’t remember too much of it. We’re back home in Obihiro now and life is just steaming along and dragging me and my heavy heart along with it. It’s going to be a challenge for me to slow things down and feel. But I must. Writing here has been my outlet and seems to work for me. Something about this act of publicly writing for me and others to read is very cathartic. It’s not easy but forces me to be honest with myself; it keeps my mind clear and lightens my heart. Please feel free to egg me on. Here I go...